Chapter Thirty-Five
‘W hat’s going on?’ Iris grumbled, emerging from her pile of blankets. She had cranked Bex’s window air conditioner as high as it would go so that she could properly wallow. It was too hard to wallow when it was hot. And she had a lot of wallowing to do.
Not to mention she still felt sick and more exhausted than she ever had in her entire life.
‘I called in reinforcements.’ Bex plopped down next to her on the couch. Kira took the floor at her side and Isabel lowered herself gingerly into the ancient armchair Bex had inherited from their grandmother.
‘For what?’
‘Oh, you know, to help figure out what the hell you’re going to do about the whole, falling in love with Archer, missing Olive, unplanned pregnancy situation,’ Bex said, patting her roughly on the leg.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
Kira and Bex exchanged concerned glances.
‘Iris…’
‘I can’t talk about it.’ She already felt the tears creeping up her throat. She couldn’t talk about this without completely losing it. And she didn’t want to do that. She wanted to move on, like she always did. She wanted to be able to walk away from this job like she had from every other job she’d ever had.
But of course, this wasn’t just a job. It was Archer and Olive and her debilitating fear that she’d ruined all three of their lives and didn’t know how to fix it.
And she was pregnant. A pretty huge and concrete reminder that she did in fact need to sort this all out. Soon.
‘Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. Let’s just take one problem at a time,’ Kira said. ‘Any preference where we start?’
Iris shook her head, letting her hair fall around her. It was dirty and tangled. She was a hot mess. It had been two weeks since she’d quit and moved out of Archer’s house and she hadn’t done much more than cry on Bex’s couch and eat sugary cereal. It was the only thing she could keep down.
‘So … the pregnancy…’ Kira started, watching Iris to see if she would completely fall apart at the mention of it. Iris nodded, swallowing the surge of emotion that happened every time she thought about carrying Archer’s baby.
‘I don’t even know how it happened,’ she said, as if figuring that part out would solve anything. ‘I’m on the pill.’
Bex snorted.
‘What the hell does that mean?’ Iris snapped.
‘You’ve never exactly been reliable when you take that thing, Iris. It’s only effective if you take it regularly and even then…’
‘Oh, like you’re so damn perfect, Bex!’
‘I’m just saying!’
Isabel whistled, bringing the attention of both women to her. ‘This isn’t getting us anywhere. It doesn’t matter if it was a damn immaculate conception. Do you want to continue with the pregnancy, Iris? Because you have options.’
All three women were looking at her now. She had options, thank God. She didn’t have to keep this pregnancy if she didn’t want to.
But what if she did?
That was the part that actually scared her. What if she did want to keep it? Then what?
‘What would you do?’ Iris asked quietly, knowing that only she could make this choice but still wanting to know what her friends would do in this situation.
‘Well, you know I’m a dog mom for life,’ Kira said. ‘But I have no plans to have human children, probably ever.’
‘I used to say that, too,’ Iris said.
‘And you’re allowed to change your mind,’ Kira said. ‘Or not.’
‘I think I would keep it,’ Bex said, surprising everyone. In all her relationships with men and women, Bex had never mentioned wanting to have kids.
‘Really?’ Iris asked, sitting up straighter on the couch.
‘Yeah, even if Archer’s not in the picture anymore, you could do it, Iris. Our moms did it.’ Bex shrugged. ‘I think you’d be a good mom. And I think I would be, too. And I would help you.’
Tears slid down Iris’s cheeks again and she pushed them away. ‘Thanks, Bex.’
‘Jane was a surprise,’ Isabel chimed in. ‘We were definitely not ready for kids yet and I considered not going through with it.’
‘You did?’ Iris turned to Isabel, surprised again by her friends’ choices.
‘Definitely. We were broke. I still had a year of college left to go. It was objectively not a good time to have a baby, but…’
‘But?’ Iris was on the edge of her seat.
Isabel smiled. ‘But, I don’t know. I did want to be a mom. And I loved Marc and we decided to keep the baby.’
Iris sighed.
‘And it was really fucking hard.’
‘Oh.’
‘Iris, it’s always going to be hard, and scary and you are going to mess up. All the time.’
‘Wow, Iz, very comforting,’ Bex said with a laugh.
‘It’s true! You will make a lot of mistakes and you will always be questioning if you’re doing it right. That’s just part of the job.’
‘Mistakes like losing the damn kid?’ Iris asked, the panic of that day still thrumming through her veins when she thought about it.
‘Yes, exactly like that. I never told you about the time Jane wandered off in Target and they had to call her name over the PA system and I felt like the worst mom in the entire world?’
‘No, you never mentioned it.’
‘Well, there you go. Every parent has plenty of stories of the mistakes they’ve made but all you can do is your best to love them, Iris. That’s it. So whether we’re talking about Olive or this pregnancy, if you decide to keep it, it’s the same thing.’
‘Yeah, Iris,’ Kira agreed. ‘You’ve been all, oh, Archer’s so great for showing up and just trying to be there for his daughter, and that is great, but it’s great when you do that, too! Why does he get a gold star just for showing up and you don’t? You were there for that little girl when she needed you, and just because you made one mistake doesn’t undo all of that.’ Kira was fired up now and Iris couldn’t help but smile through her tears.
‘Thanks, guys.’
She still didn’t know what she was going to do but she felt so loved surrounded by her best friends that she knew whatever she decided, she’d be okay, and they’d have her back, no matter what.
‘And what about Archer?’ Kira asked, moving down the list of issues.
‘I don’t know,’ Iris admitted, and it was true. She didn’t know what to do about Archer. She missed him so much it physically hurt, and sometimes she daydreamed about going back, about telling him about this baby, about scooping Olive up in her arms. And sometimes she wanted that so badly it took her breath away. But what if Archer didn’t want that? What if one surprise kid was enough for him? What if he couldn’t forgive her for leaving, for breaking Olive’s heart? That was the one thing she couldn’t seem to forgive herself for, letting Olive down. She’d just left without even saying goodbye to a kid who had already lost her mother. Who did that?
If she was Archer, she wouldn’t forgive her for it.
‘Well, do you want to be with him?’ Bex asked.
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘Why not?’
‘Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me,’ Iris said. ‘Maybe he doesn’t want me messing with Olive’s emotions any more.’
‘I’m sure Olive is fine,’ Isabel said. ‘I saw her the other day, getting a lemonade at The Pumpkin Spice Café, and telling everyone who would listen that her dad bought her a bunny.’
A laugh burst from Iris so unexpectedly she clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘He bought her a bunny?’
Isabel laughed, too. ‘Apparently, yeah.’
The pain of missing them was sharp; a blade to her heart. She should have been there. She should have helped pick the bunny out. They probably named it something absurd. She should have been there to name it.
Iris shook her head, trying to force the longing from her lungs. ‘I miss them,’ she admitted.
Kira ran a hand down her arm, giving her hand a squeeze. ‘Then maybe you should give him a call.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Iris.’
‘I just … I need to figure out this pregnancy thing first. I need to figure out what I’m going to say.’ She should, right? She should know how much she was asking of Archer before she asked anything at all.
‘Okay, that’s fair,’ Kira said, giving her hand another squeeze. ‘But don’t wait too long. Don’t torture yourself for one mistake.’
‘Okay, I won’t.’
‘Now, let’s get you up and showered!’ Bex said, patting her on the back.
‘Okay, okay, I get it.’ Iris swatted her cousin away and emerged from her blankets. ‘I’m up.’
‘I’m leaving ginger tea in your kitchen!’ Isabel called as she hustled inside. ‘It’ll help with nausea!’
‘And call me if you need anything at all,’ Kira said, giving her a hug and kiss on the cheek. ‘It’s up to you, babe. Whatever you want to do.’
‘Thanks,’ Iris whispered through her refreshed tears.
‘Love you.’
‘Love you, too.’ Iris hugged Kira and Isabel again on their way out the door and locked herself in the bathroom as Bex began her trumpet practice for the day. Maybe the shower would drown out the noise.
Decisions needed to be made sooner rather than later for more reasons than one.